MAHOMESIM ™
The Institute for Quarterback Outcomes · Investigations Division
🏛️ THE INSTITUTE
HYPETRACK™ VOICE: OFF
THE INSTITUTE FOR QUARTERBACK OUTCOMES · INVESTIGATIONS DIVISION · THE FOLDER MAINTAINS ITSELF
MAHOMESIM
Every break. Every time. By rule. The 50/50 ball comes down red — position is not
admissible . The awful throw draws a flag — the defender was in the vicinity of the
football . Drop the ball on the ground, on purpose, on camera — ruled retroactively
intentional, plus a flag on the defense for proximity. The Institute alleges nothing.
The Institute simply maintains a folder, and the folder grows.
100% UNOFFICIAL
FLAGS: COMPLIMENTARY
50/50 BALLS: 100/0
JAIL: NEVER
RED STRING BUDGET: EXCEEDED
The Exhibits
FOUR EXPERIMENTS · OUTCOMES GUARANTEED · BY OFFICIALS
EXHIBIT A
The Ref Experience
EVERY BREAK · EVERY TIME · BY RULE
Throw it anywhere: a catch or a flag will occur — those are the two outcomes; there are no others. Try the MAKE A MISTAKE ON PURPOSE button and watch the whistle freeze an entire defense mid-scoop. Finish with an extra point from a kicker whose kick, like his worldview, drifts hard right. It still counts. Only one of those should.
ENTER THE JURISDICTION →
EXHIBIT B
The Challenge Bureau
RULINGS: STANDING · TIMEOUTS: DEPLETING
You are the opposing coach. The calls are wrong — provably, on video, with a notarized witness. Throw the red flag. Watch the review consult New York. New York is a Chiefs bar. Calls overturned, career: 0. Timeouts charged: all of them, plus one for visible skepticism.
THROW THE FLAG →
EXHIBIT C
The Tip Drill
A PHYSICS TOY · THE PHYSICS ARE COMPROMISED
Launch a ball and swat it in midair — click it as many times as you can, send it anywhere. Ten deflections, fifteen, it does not matter: a red receiver tracks the landing point with exactly enough speed, every time. The ball is loyal. The ball knows where home is.
LAUNCH →
EXHIBIT D
Tony's Corkboard
NOT AN ALLEGATION BOARD · AN OBSERVATION BOARD
The room the league doesn't know about. Six pieces of evidence, a supply of red string, and one rule: connect any two pins and a stamp is applied — "NOT AN ALLEGATION." Complete the board and it gets confiscated, which is not a confession, but feels like one. Tony has a supplier. There is always another board.
ENTER THE ROOM →
Evidence Locker
NOT ALLEGATIONS · JUST NUMBERS · IN A FOLDER
Flags drawn (yours, career)
0
For vicinity. Of the football. In a football game.
50/50 balls lost
0
The name "50/50" is under review. The review favors him.
Deliberate mistakes penalized
0
Several were awarded yardage.
Kicker worldview
1954
Accuracy: modern. Politics: wide right, no review available.
Reviews
SOME EDITED UPON OFFICIAL REVIEW
★★★★★
Great game. No notes. Thanks for the gift baskets — which we are legally noting were unsolicited.
— The Officials (carpool)
★★★★★
I had position. I had the ball. I had—
(this review was edited upon official review and is now five stars)
— DB_24, formerly ★☆☆☆☆
★★★★★
WHAT A FLA— WHAT A WEBSITE!!
— Kevin, Play-by-Play, Est. 1991
★☆☆☆☆
Log it. Week 14. Write it down.
— Tony, Color Commentary (review under appeal by the league)
THE FINE PRINT, WHICH OUR LAWYERS INSISTED ON, LOUDLY:
MahomeSim™ is a work of parody and satire. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or currently
being sued by Patrick Mahomes, the Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL, or any officiating crew. It
alleges no actual conspiracy; it merely renders a feeling that four fanbases have every January.
Commentary about a certain kicker refers to his publicly delivered opinions, which were also
wide right. No real footage, photographs, logos, or broadcast audio were used. Everyone depicted
is a rectangle. Some rectangles get every call.
This site is free, contains no advertisements, and earns nothing. All proceeds ($0.00) go to
charity, pending review. The review found the proceeds intact: $0.00.
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