SEASON
Franchise Mode
ALL LABS · CANONICAL ORDER
One full season. October is Hurdle Hero. November is the Turnover Simulator. December is the Kneel-Down. January is January. Your record will be 14–3. That was never the hard part.
BEGIN SEASON →
LAB-01
Josh Allen: Try Not To Turn It Over
CURSE: ACTIVE
Every receiver is open. Radioactively open. Waving-both-arms open. Throw it anywhere you want. We'll see you at the grade screen, where you got an A+.
RUN EXPERIMENT →
LAB-02
13 Seconds: The DC Experience
CURSE: DETERMINISTIC
Up three. Thirteen seconds. Every defense in football at your fingertips. The squib kick is greyed out. It has always been greyed out.
RUN EXPERIMENT →
LAB-03
The Coin Toss
CURSE: STATISTICALLY SIGNIFICANT
A beautiful, lovingly rendered coin. Call it in the air. Lose. Forever. Watch the probability counter reach numbers that upset mathematicians.
RUN EXPERIMENT →
LAB-04
Josh Allen: Hurdle Hero
CURSE: SEASONAL
Genuinely fun. You hurdle grown men and it rules and you cannot lose. Then the screen says JANUARY MODE, and we are so sorry about the fourth hurdle.
RUN EXPERIMENT →
LAB-05
Josh Allen: The Kneel-Down
CURSE: 0.02%
One button. The safest play in football. Win probability 99.98%. The first kneel always works — that is the cruelest part.
RUN EXPERIMENT →
LAB-06
Table Slam
CURSE: NONE. YOU'RE SAFE HERE.
Launch a Bills fan through folding tables in a snowy parking lot. No twist. Nothing bad happens. This is the pressure valve. We're not monsters.
RUN EXPERIMENT →
LAB-07
The Multiverse Machine
CURSE: CROSS-DIMENSIONAL
Six moments of franchise history. Six god-tier tools: the wind, the rulebook, the replay booth, a laser, three defenders, and finally — finally — the squib kick. Change everything. Watch nothing change.
POWER UP THE MACHINE →
LAB-08
The MVP Machine
DEPT. OF NARRATIVES
Build the worst season a quarterback has ever had. 55 interceptions? Sure. 8% completion? Go for it. The other candidate averaged a touchdown per possession. Now watch the voters do their thing. You cannot lose this award. Try. Please try.
SUBMIT BALLOT →
LAB-09
The Press Conference
CURSE: SELF-AWARE
You are him, after a January loss. Try to blame the kicker, the refs, the podium. Every headline comes out "IT'S ON ME" — and for once in this man's media coverage, the quote is accurate.
TAKE THE PODIUM →
LAB-10
The Shovel
CURSE: METEOROLOGICAL · BEATABLE (TECHNICALLY)
$20/hr to dig out the stadium, based on a true story. Clearing the section IS possible — the lake gets tired before you do, in theory. Institute estimate: 90 minutes and one existential crisis. Progress saves. Godspeed.
CLOCK IN →
LAB-11
Josh Allen: Run The Ball Simulator
CURSE: SIX POINTS, THE OTHER WAY
Up three, two minutes left, full moveset unlocked — juke, spin, hurdle, truck, even a reassuring green SLIDE button and a golden TWO HANDS ON THE BALL. Every move is rated 99. Every move fumbles. Every fumble goes back for six. Choose how.
JUST DON'T FUMBLE →
LAB-12
The Blame Wheel
CURSE: 6 DEGREES WIDE
A January loss has occurred. Spin the wheel: THE KICKER, THE REFS, THE WEATHER, COACHING, THE LAKE, THE MEDIA — all generously sized. There is also a sliver. The wheel loves teasing the kicker. The wheel has never once meant it.
ASSIGN BLAME →
ARCHIVE
The Trophy Room
EVERYTHING YOU'VE EARNED · AND ONE CASE
Your MVPs on the shelf. Your achievements in the ledger. Your golden shovel, if you've earned the impossible. And in the center, professionally lit and climate-controlled: an immaculate, completely empty display case.
ENTER THE ARCHIVE →
EXAM
The Wonderlic
REAL OR FAKE · JANUARY STUDIES
We describe a Josh Allen throw; you decide if it happened. (It happened.) Plus a multiple-choice exam where the answer is always, always (d).
SIT EXAM →